Naked Gnomes

A West Midlands grandmother has been told to cover up three of her garden gnomes – because they’re naked. The cheeky statues, one of a man and two of busty women, stood outside Sandra Smith’s door for 15 years. But now Smith, 64, has had to drape little T-shirts over the ornaments after a neighbour complained they were upsetting her children. More …

I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t allowed from time to time to stroll the garden au naturelle. It’s amazing to me that a neighbor with children would have a complaint about dear Sandra Smith’s gnomes. Now those children aren’t going to have too much fun in the sprinkler this Summer.

Ladies gnome

I noticed at the Oxegen festival that the two most likely groups to want to talk with me were nice ladies and drunk men. The ladies were all very sweet, especially this lovely dear who gave me a wee peck on the cheek. The green hair reminded me of a troll doll princess (which is a compliment, dear.)

The drunk men on the other hand were mostly a nuisance, constantly flicking the end of my nose or trying to pull of my hat.

What a pisser

Sorry I haven’t had much to post in the past few weeks. Access to the web has been a bit spotty. Perhaps the bees got a bit restless in the attic following a warm, dry spell.

I used to be a big fan of Lars von Trier, until Magnus, a Danish gnome sent me a link exposing that Lars has a fondness for urinating on gnomes. So much for that Carl Dreyer teacup …

I couldn’t find any mention of this ritual in the rules governing the Dogma 95 manifesto.


This is what happens when Gnomes are bad in their own society. Imagine the pure pain your little friend must be feeling from someone outside the Gnome world. I wear iron gloves. I spanked him so hard last night that he dropped his marker. He won’t be able to sit for a week.

Hee Hee Hee Ha Ha Ha.

He’s Quite the Lady’s Man…

I don’t know what these women find so irresistible about these garden gnomes. Your little friend definitely has a way with the ladies. It must be his blue eyes, big dimples and big floppy hat. You can see we are using whatever means necessary to distract him from finding his way home…and we are succeeding.

Muahahahahahaaaa…couch…hack…*eck…(Darn cold)…..