Naked Gnomes

A West Midlands grandmother has been told to cover up three of her garden gnomes – because they’re naked. The cheeky statues, one of a man and two of busty women, stood outside Sandra Smith’s door for 15 years. But now Smith, 64, has had to drape little T-shirts over the ornaments after a neighbour complained they were upsetting her children. More …

I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t allowed from time to time to stroll the garden au naturelle. It’s amazing to me that a neighbor with children would have a complaint about dear Sandra Smith’s gnomes. Now those children aren’t going to have too much fun in the sprinkler this Summer.

One day you’re in …

… and the next day you’re out. At least that’s what Heidi Gnome used to say on Project Tunic. I’ve been around for over a hundred years, so I’m still not entirely sure what the wee Independent article means by claiming we’re back.

I had no idea that some gnomekind were desperate enough to turn to Tesco to find good homes!

Garden gnome saviour?!

I’m not so certain the entire gnome race needs a make-over from this man, Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen. I certainly like to vary the colours of my tunic from time to time, but heaven forbid I’d need to get down to heavy garden work in any outfit like that.

I do have a wee pair of pick axe cuff-links that I wear each year for a trip back to the birthday tree or the odd special occasion.

Brown Eyed Gnome

I’ve had a wee listen now and then to Van Morrison’s music, but had no idea he was into garden gnomes. Apparently during a performance in Philadelphia he mumbled something about a gnome outlet. Go Van!

During “Ancient Highway,” part of a medley that also included “In the Afternoon” and “Raincheck,” he muttered something about a store on the side of the road “that sells garden gnomes.” Other than that, and stopping to ask if anyone had heard his classic 1968 album Astral Weeks before a stirring “Madame George,” he kept his inscrutable thoughts to himself and the music moving forward.

Kidnapping still a garden gnome reality

No, that isn’t Gnomedini, the great gnome illusionist, but a representation of what a kidnapped gnome might experience at the hands of his captors. The sad truth is that gnomes continue to be abducted from perfectly good gardens, like that of Margaret Robertson.

There are instances when garden gnomes are kept against their will, but in most instances we are loyal to our owners and love the garden work.

Gnome consideration at all

I know the wee folks over at eHow are trying to be helpful, but I take a few issues with their 4 steps for preventing lawn gnome theft.

Step 1 : Fat gnomes just can’t work as hard as more fit gnomes. We all have bellies as we enjoy the fruits of our labour and a wee tipple now and then, but how would we be expected to work with our pants literally filled with lead?

Step 2 : Probably the most sensible option, though electric fencing can often harm animals and is a bit impractical in an urban setting. I’d opt for the nettles or other prickly plants.

Step 3 : Lets see some humanfolk wrap themselves with electric fencing and see if they like it. Get a gnome with a tool. We are typically peaceful, but a crack across the shin with a pick axe says, “Hands Off!”

Step 4 : The dog is fine, but hanging a plastic steak around my neck? Think again.

Hats off to Henry

Henry was one of those rare human folk who shared a great affinity for our work as we did for his care and creative flair. He must have a bit of gnome blood in him. What’s nice is that even though the Moray Council may not be able to benefit from him in the future, he’ll have our help with his wee garden in Findhorn. It’s the right thing to return all those favours.